It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
