one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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