Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there was a trapeze. enough said
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
