Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
