so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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