the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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