Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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