Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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