i need an iv and a liver transplant
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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