Life is so much better after having sex.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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