At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
