the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
