are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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