just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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