I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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