My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
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You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
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Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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