I think im going to throw up on grandma
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
