i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
