Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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