Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's just like the Real World with babies
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Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
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On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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