Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
