i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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