My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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