He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
