the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
