I could make wine with my vomit
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just pee around me
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
