I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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