i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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