and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
