we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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