Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
