So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
