i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
