Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
