I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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