I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
