i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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