she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
