One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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