I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
