i think i have herpe
just one?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
