You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
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