there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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