He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
How's work?
Spinning.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
