I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
