I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
