I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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