She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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