Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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