does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There r osticjed everywhere
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
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