There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
