I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
