I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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