I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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