please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
