She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
