I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
