We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
