I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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